So we thought I was crazy before...

Oh it was nothing before. I get crazier and crazier as the days pass. Hooray for all those around me! Alpine ran away again on a night that Paul was late coming home from work. If I was him, I would be late intentionally. Every day! But boy does he hear about it when he gets home. The key is to be so late that I am already in bed and sleeping. That may save him some grief. By the time Paul gets home, I tell him I know how to solve the dog issue. Very calmly, very quietly I say, "I can fix this". Paul tentatively asks, "how?" While stirring the meat on the stove, I reply "I'll break his legs. The back ones. He can't jump that high with broken legs". Paul pleads, "please don't break his legs". Of course I won't break his legs, but boy am I tempted.

The next day, guess who ran away again? ALPINE!!! In less than two minutes flat, he has crossed the yard, jumped the fence and is no where in sight. My lunch break is ruined, because now I have to search for him. I finally find him, and as I get out of the car to grab his happy, tail wagging dumb ass my mom calls. I tell her she has just saved a dog's life. I throw him in the house and take my now stale PB&J to work to eat. When I get home I let out all of the dogs, but I follow Alpine. He runs straight to the fence (presumably to jump over it) and I flip out! I start running through the yard screaming, "I am sick of this. I am sick of you! I give you a warm house, love, kisses and treats, and what do you do in return? You run away!! I don't deserve this. We are through. I will never acknowledge you again!" On and on this went as I was chasing him around the yard. I now think my neighbors are convinced I am the crazy lady of the neighborhood.

Today, I got to be crazy some more. I have been having cramping on and off for the past couple of days. Because it has been two weeks since my last appointment, the "warm and fuzzy" feeling has reverted back to the "something must be wrong" feeling. To my mother, I apologize. I promised I would try and relax, but seriously. When have you ever known me to be relaxed? One spot in particular in my tummy has been hurting. Maybe baby is trying out rock climbing. I'm not sure. This is not extreme pain and not even as bad as time-of-the-month cramps. It's just something for me to freak out about. So I call my ever wonderful nurse, whom I would die without, and she is OUT OF TOWN!! I did not authorize this! How can she be gone when I NEED HER!! I discover there is a fill-in nurse. Hooray. She has no idea I called on Monday to inquire about the safety of eating moldy cheese and drinking algae water. She will not know I am a basket case. I very calmly tell her this is my first time going through all of this and explain my symptoms. She says it's just growing pains (which I figured) and to call back if the cramping is settling into a pattern, getting unbearable or if I start leaking anything abnormal. Fair enough. I can do that. I go back to my desk but realize I have forgotten my water in the kitchen. As I stand up, a good amount of liquid gushes out of a place I will not mention. What the hell was that? I clamp up and run to the bathroom and go pee. Did I just pee myself? Was that "abnormal" fluid? If it was pee, why didn't I know I had to pee BEFORE I peed myself?! I try calling the nurse again. No answer. I try calling my friend who just had a baby to see if she can calm me down. NO ANSWER!! I call Paul. Dear, sweet Paul will know what to say. Near tears and feeling ridiculous, I tell him what has been going on. His response, "that all sounds like a normal part of the process". What process? Have you ever been pregnant before?! Have you ever had to wonder if you just peed yourself before??!! HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO WORRY ABOUT WHY YOUR UTERUS IS CRAMPING BEFORE????!!!! I did not say these things. I simply said, "I will talk to you later. Good bye."

Web MD pregnancy message boards have been a constant source of "calm" for me during this crazy time in my life. Therefore, I proceed to the 2nd trimester board to post my complaint and beg for some one to talk some sense into me. The girls never let me down. Others share that they have had these symptoms, and I begin to feel better. I read silly stories about the husbands of others, and I even manage to laugh. Paul works up the courage to call me back and ask if I am okay. By now I am over my morning for the most part. I still feel crampy, but it is now a good this. My baby is growing, therefore so am I. I am even pretty sure the feel the little baby spinning away and having a good time. Please just don't crash into my bladder again, Baby. I beg you!

Home Sweet Home

This past Wednesday evening, Thursday and Friday I was out of town for a conference. It was so nice an relaxing to be "away". Paul had gone out of town earlier in the week and took the dogs to stay with his parents. So I had two nights to myself, and then Paul and I met up after our conferences. When Paul and I meet up at my hotel, he presents me with a card and a gift card to Target. He said he wanted to do something to show me how happy he is that we are going to have a baby. My first thought, I have the sweetest husband in the world. My second thought, hello new bra!!! Also, I am certain I felt the baby move a couple of times while I was away. They were distinct thuds! I know what gas feels like... but this was NOT gas!! Overall, a very nice time away!



On Saturday, Paul and I went to pick up the dogs, and that is when life hit me again and the fun started. Drake, our husky /shepherd, cries the whole time he is in the car and steps on the other dogs. Lexus, the Great Dane, always has the stinkiest poots! The other two are worry free as far as car rides go. When we got home, there were deer all over in the yard. That's always fun! One was even in the driveway and refused to move when Paul tried to drive up. I had to get out and ask her to move. After looking around and deciding she could oblige, the mama moved. I thought, "what a nice way to be greeted home". Ha!



When Paul and I went inside, we realized the house was really cold. Upon further investigation, we discovered the heater pilot light was out. Luckily, the house was not left unheated long enough to freeze! Been there... done that... so don't want to ever have to deal with that again! We finally get the heater going again, and all is well. I decided I was a little hungry so Paul and I snacked on chips, and I had some cheese dips with mine. After snacking for a little while, I realized there was mold on the lid of the dip jar and around the edges. Paul's response, "just pick out the mold". REALLY!!!??? Guys are so effing gross!! The I realize Paul is eating straight out of the bag with the hands he just used to put more wood on the fire. Wood that is from the shed where there are dead mice and rat poison. I ask if he happened to wash his hands. He says no, but "I only used my left hand for the wood and I am eating with my right hand". I told him the chips are his. Later that night I go to take a shower and Paul comes in to tell me I will not have hot water. Apparently the water heater went out as well, and we didn't think to check it. Must have had a bubble in the gas supply. So hooray for taking a tepid shower. Luckily it was not cold. Just not hot.



Sunday. Not so bad. Alpine, the Border Collie, ran away, and I found him in the field behind our house chasing deer. The deer in our area live in the neighborhood during the winter. They are not very afraid of dogs. One of these days they will gang up on him and teach him a lesson, I hope! As the day passes I acquire one of the worst migraines of my life. Not to mention my hips decided they are not quite wide enough yet, so they have begun the spreading process. I have lived with headaches and hip pain for most of my adult life, so I can live with that. I offer Paul $100 if he will cook dinner for us. I have pizza stuff set out, and all he had to do was put it all together. He is more than happy to oblige. His only questions, where's the sauce? We don't have any! WTH! I forgot to soak beans to make enchiladas, and I don't have sauce to make pizza. He improvises, and all is well.



Monday. There is something floating in my water. It is brown, and it is NOT little. It is slime!! Lovely. I like drinking slime. I ask my coworker if she knows what is going on. She says the cooler probably needs to be cleaned. In the past eight years that she has been here it has NEVER been cleaned!! I take everything apart, and there is a layer of beautiful brown slime coating the inside of the cooler. Yum!! Mold and now slime!! So I clean out the water cooler, and I am now drinking soap water. However, I figure soap water is better than slime water. I am so, so looking forward to my vacation next week!!

Potty training... again

So, I've decided to lower the amount of censorship I use in this blog. Pregnancy is a personal experience, therefore I must share personal details. Plus, some days I will just really want to vent. I will not, however, share things that are highly unladylike. Paul reads this blog, and somethings will still remain private! Unless you are my mother. Then you have to hear all about EVERYTHING.

So, I have a jokester swimming in my tummy. My tiny, sweet baby thinks it is so much fun to collide with my bladder when life gets too boring. What does this lead to? Accidents! I don't have to pee one second, and the next second I am peeing myself. I swear I am both housebroken and potty trained. I am not waiting too long, because I don't have to go until I am already going!!! Does the baby kick me in the tummy where I can feel it? No! I get kicked in the bladder so I pee myself. Very funny little baby. So glad you are giving Daddy and yourself something to laugh about!

This is not a serious issue, of course. I just needed to share. I love being pregnant. I have never felt more feminine in my life. It is such an amazing experience, but it is not all beautiful. Peeing one's self is never, in my opinion, beautiful. However, I've hear the unmetionable side effects only get worse, but I know the pleasant experiences will greatly out weight the unpleasant. I just want those of you who have perfectly functioning bladder control to appreciate what you have. And to all you 2, 3 and 4 year olds who are trying so hard to be potty trained and fear no one understands the effort you are putting forth... I understand. I understand, and I am sorry. Getting to the toilet in time is a very hard thing indeed sometimes!

16 Week appointment

So I started off my day in a pretty interesting way yesterday. I woke up from a dream where I had just told someone I was going to be having a girl on April 6. That is the first specific baby dream I have had yet. In every dream I have, I am aware of being pregnant, but I have never dreamed of a date or the gender of the baby before. The fun this is that this due date is entirely possible. I have been measuring about a week behind with my ultrasounds, and April 6 is six days later then my original due date.

Later in the afternoon, Paul and I had our 16 week appointment. I was really excited to go in and see how much weight I have gained. I thought for sure I had gained at least 5 pounds. I asked the nurse after she weighed me, and she said I gained 1 pound. 1POUND!! What the heck! So, at 16 weeks I have gained a total of a whopping 2 pounds. This means I am technically losing weight. I was moping and said and feeling like a failure, when Paul reminded me that I have been walking 3-5 times a week. So, as my belly and top half are getting bigger, my hiney and legs are getting in better shape. I can live with that. I would still liek to put on 5 more pounds by my next appointment, though.

Our little baby was being ornery at the start of our appointment. The nurse was trying to locate the heartbeat with a doppler, but the little bugger kept wiggling away. I didn't mind that the heartbeat was so hard to find, because I heard it for a second in the very beginning. I help hearing a weird noise I am not capable of describing in words, and the nurse said, "that's the baby running away". We finally, very faintly, caught the heartbeat, which measured 144 bpm. It was so faint, because the baby was probably turned away from the doppler. Silly baby. I have had a mover on my hands since the first time we saw the little picture at my 12 week ultrasound bouncing around like mommy was a trampoline. What is interesting about the heartbeat, is how consistent it has been. At my first ultrasound, the heartbeat was 164 bpm and at my first appointment with a doppler, the heartbeat was 164 bpm. At my second ultrasound on September 30 at 14 weeks, the heartbeat was 144 bpm, and two weeks later it is the same.

Paul and I have our 20 week ultrasound and 20 week appointment on November 13. I have a feeling it will be here before we know it. Next week Paul and I have conferences in Denver. We will be home the following week. Then, we will be out of town for a week for a conference for him in Reno. By the time we come back, it will only be a few days before our appointment. It will be very hard to have the opportunity to find out if our baby is a boy or a girl, but the surprise later will be worth it. I am just very excited to see how big the baby has gotten and see how developed the baby is. In my heart I truly feel all is well with this baby, but it is always nice to have that feeling confirmed by professionals!

The doctor said the NT scan and my quad-screens all came back good from my ultrasound on September 30. That means the risk of our baby having Down Syndrome is very low. Hooray for one less thing to worry about. I told Paul it amazes me how at every appointment we receive more and more evidence that I am growing a perfectly healthy little baby!

A milestone reached

So, all week I have been telling my mom and husband that I think I am finally starting to show. Paul agrees, but he's my husband, so he has to. Mom can't say because she is in another state. I have also been commenting on feeling a bit "top heavy" lately. I swear last week I would look in the mirror, and with clothes on, I looked pretty much the same as I had pre-pregnancy.

Today, I reading a co-worker a letter we had just received. She took it from me and said "I'm sorry I can't concentrate. You are starting to show and I can't stop looking." Little did she know, those were the most exciting words I had heard in days. She then said that yesterday she couldn't stop looking at my top half. She said, "I kept looking all day, and had to keep telling myself to stop. At this rate, you will be as big as me by the time the baby comes." I am not small in the chest area, but she is massive! I then became a bit frightened.

I want nothing more than for the whole world to know I am pregnant, but I don't always mention it to people. Strangers probably don't care, and those who know me may get sick of hearing about it. So, to know that it is becoming publicly obvious that I am going through the most exhilarating experience of my life is fantastic!

Sharing the news

When my pregnancy test came back positive, I was completely and utterly shocked. Yet more excited than I have ever been in my life. What a terrific surprise. Now I just have to tell my husband, who is out of town for the day and out of cell service. So I take a picture of the test with my phone and send it to him to see when he gets back in the area. Being a guy, I was pretty sure he had no idea what the lines meant. I then sent the picture to my sister who called and said, "I told you. Congratulations." Sister was right! Almost as bad as husband being right. I then sent an animated e-mail to my mom and dad. You can put a picture of your face on a girl that dances around and suddenly has big boob, a big belly and some ice cream. The message says, "guess who's prego!" I send my mom a text telling her to check her e-mail. She calls and says, "no. I am sleeping". I tell her fine, check it later when she gets up. She asks if congratulations are in order. What the hell!! Can't I surprise anybody? Am I seriously the only one who had no idea? Mom checks her e-mail, calls back laughing and says, "Congratulations. We are really already knew though". How? I was not pregnant when she was here. I was only just pregnant when Dad was here. However, they were right. They all knew.

That evening, when I got off work, I anxiously awaited the arrival of Paul. I had received numerous calls from him and a response to the picture asking, "what does this mean?!" That is a direct quote. Punctuation and all. I was taking a nap when he got home. I had left the test where he would see it. The test very clearly says what two lines means. He comes in, crawls on the bed and asks, "does this mean what I think it means?" My very graceful, and tactful response? "If you can read, then yes, it means what you think it means". There was no way to burst his bubble, even with my spoken-before-thought-about response. He starting bouncing up and down on the bed and cheering. No wife could ever ask for a more wonderful reaction. Remember that I have said before that Paul is a mellow and subdued kind of guy. Bouncing around and cheering was something very new, and very relieving. We went out that night and celebrated over dinner. Him with a beer, me with a water.

Not all responses to our news were as exciting as Paul's, and a couple were even downright rude. However, for the most part, our real friends were very excited for us. At first, I wanted to keep the news a secret until the second trimester. After about three days, I said forget it. I decided if something went wrong, having told no one would not make us feel any better about it. By telling, we would be celebrating the baby from the start, and whatever the outcome, the baby would have been loved by all who love us from the beginning. I have never regretted telling a single person. Even those who were asses about the news. I have felt support and received comfort from our friends and family, and I can't imagine having held this secret from everyone for so long.

A final thing I should mention about the day we found out is the song we heard on the radio. After leaving dinner that evening, the first song on the radio was "Danny's Song". How often does that song play on the radio nowadays? I got tears in my eyes and wondered how much of a sign it was. Obviously it was someone's way of telling us, "everything is gonna be all right". But was it also a way of telling us, "think I'm gonna have a son"? I guess we'll see.

For those who don't know Danny's Song. Here are the lyrics. Every time I read them or hear the song, I get tears in my eyes. I am just so happy, and I have never loved anything as much as I love my little baby...
People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one, and we've just begun,
Think I'm gonna have a son.
He will be like she and me, as free as a dove, conceived in love,
Sun is gonna shine above.

Chorus:
And even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with ya honey,
And everything will bring a chain of love.
And in the morning when I rise, you bring a tear of joy to my eyes,
And tell me everything is gonna be alright.

Seems as though a month ago I beta cha, never got high,
Oh, I was a sorry guy.
And now a smile, a face, a girl that shares my name,
Now I'm through with the game, this boy will never be the same.

(To chorus:)
Pisces, Virgo rising is a very good sign, strong and kind,
And the little boy is mine.
Now I see a family where there once was none, now we've just begun,
Yeah, we're gonna fly to the sun.

(To chorus:)

Love the girl who holds the world in a paper cup, drink it up,
Love her and she'll bring you luck.
And if you find she helps your mind, buddy, take her home,
Don't you live alone, try to earn what lovers own.

(To chorus:)

Finding out the big news

This past June, my mom and sister came to visit. The entire time they were here, my sister kept commenting on how she thought I was either pregnant or how I would be soon. I told her we were not going to have a baby for a while, but she insisted.

After my mom and sister left, I cried and cried, because my house seemed so lonely and empty. Paul said to me, "don't be sad. The next time you see them you will be pregnant and have something to celebrate". I asked him what in the heck he was talking about, and he said he had no idea. Shortly after, Paul was called away on a fire. Before he left, I said, "when you come back, can we have a baby?" His response... "no". I said that was fine, since I was only joking.

Right after Paul got back, my sister came back to visit with her boyfriend and our dad. This time, I was getting mildly car sick every time we drove long distances. I had a strong aversion to alcohol and I was pretty sleeping. I was also a bit irritable, but that is not completely out of the ordinary. My sister was still sure I was pregnant, and Dad gave Paul and I a "baby talk". He asked when grandkids were going to start coming, and I said not anytime soon. Dad is not generally one to just start talking about babies, so this was a little unusual. He told us about how we will never be "ready" or have enough money. It is just something we would have to do, and everything would work out in the end. I already felt that way (but was content to wait a few years), but Paul said it really made him feel better about someday having a baby.

As time went by, I was still feeling "yucky", but I had a horribly painful stomachache. A lady at the bank we use, swore up and down that I was pregnant. I hold her I had never heard pregnancy described as the way I was feeling. "Plus", I said. "I'm feeling crampy, so I'm pretty sure my friend will visit soon". Around this same time, a few other people jokingly said I was pregnant. Now, I was not running around town complaining of not feeling well. People who had been given no provocation, suddenly thought it would be funny to say I was pregnant.

The last straw came when Paul and I were at Subway. My stomach was killing me, and I felt like shit! There is no better way to describe it. All I wanted was sleep. Paul said, "I really think you're pregnant". I refused to believe him. After all, I was feeling crampy and tired. However, I did have a doctor appointment coming up the following week, and I didn't want to go to my appointment, share my symptoms and have to say, "why, no, Doctor. I am this cruddy feeling, this late and I have NOT taken a pregnancy test". So, just to be safe, I decided I would stop by the pharmacy before heading back to work.

I refused to buy any brand other than First Response, because I heard it is more effective sooner. If I was going to take this test, I wanted no doubts in my mind that I was NOT pregnant. You see, I was taking this test to prove everyone wrong... to prove I was NOT pregnant. It is not that I didn't want to be pregnant or that pregnancy would ruin my life. I just really didn't think I was. So I go to the pharmacy, and the only First Response test they had was in a three pack. I figure I may as well buy the pack. Then I can take a test that day, take another over the weekend and take the final test the morning before my doctor appointment. So I grudgingly spend twenty-something dollars, thinking all the while how I just wasted twenty-something dollars, and I head home.

I decide to take the test before I head back to work, just so I will have confirmation that I am not pregnant. I use the test, set it aside and I go water the garden. When I come back to check on the test, I only see one line at first. Laughing at myself for wasting twenty-something dollars, I go to pick up the test to throw it away. It is at that point that I notice there are two lines. TWO LINES!!!! Oh... my... GOD!!!!

Our story so far

On Memorial Day Weekend, 2007, Paul and I packed up our dogs and started our great adventure. We moved to South Fork, Colorado from Flagstaff, Arizona so Paul could start his new job with the Forest Service.

During our first year, we accomplished several mountain musts. While camping, we were nearly cutoff from civilization by a never ending rainstorm that caused a massive mudslide down out only escape route. Paul hit a deer in my car. Actually, a deer jumped onto my car and very nicely dented my hood and took a mirror with him. Both Paul and deer were fine. Our house froze completely. When we got home in the afternoon from being out of town, it was a balmy 12 degrees in our house. So... no running water for several days. I slide off a road and into a snowbank and had to call my boss to come dig me out. One of our dogs was skunked... in the face... in the dead of winter. It was too cold to leave him outside after we washed him, and he kept sneaking into our bedroom in the middle of the night. Very lovely smell.

Not every experience since coming to the mountains has been such a test of sanity. All of the camping trips, even the rained out one, have been in the most beautiful settings I have ever seen. The grass and trees here are a green that is so vibrant and so indicative of life. The lakes and rivers, though ice cold, are so clear and so fresh. You cannot go anywhere without seeing some sort of wildlife. We have even seen moose and are pretty sure our camp was almost invaded by a bear once. We have met some of the nicest people and made very loyal, selfless friends.

In January, 2008, Paul and I finally tied the knot. Not that we had been together for years, and years, but we were engaged for a nice long year. By January, it was about time. We honeymooned in Belize in the middle of the rain forest. Both of us agree that we would move there in a heartbeat, if we ever had the chance. Everyone moves at a slower, more relaxed pace there. The whole country is beautiful, and no matter how poor someone is, their yard is clean and their house is cared for.

In April, 2008, Paul and I came across an offer we couldn't refuse and bought a house. We have a nice log cabin style home on a huge double lot that backs against National Forest. We have deer, bears and turkey in our neighborhood. We have coyotes as well, but they freak me out. They get into our yard or hide just out of sight and yip throughout the evenings and into the night.

In June, 2008, Paul and I accomplished out most wonderful feat. I got pregnant. Because this blog is so long, I will start a new one at another time telling the beginning of our pregnancy story. All I can say to sum up this part of our story is, I have never been more happy (even while seriously pissed off) as I am with Paul. I want nothing more than I have right now, and I have never been more at peace with myself. My time with Paul has made me a better, more understanding and patient person, and I like to hope I have taught him how to have a sense of humor and live a little more freely. Paul and I are complete opposites. He is quiet and centered, and I am loud and scattered. I like to dance with our dogs and pretend my life is an opera, while Paul likes to sit quietly in the woods or listen to music... as opposed to making it. Since we have been together. Paul has started dancing with the dogs and will occasionally sing along with the radio. I have learned how to be quiet while hiking so that maybe I can see an animal. As you read our stories. Please keep in mind how Paul and I came into this relationship, and you may see the sense of humor in how we have changed over time.